Nicorette, Anyone?
by Qui-ti
Summary: Ed helps the Bebop crew quit smoking...at what price, though? The plot is forming, twisting around the unsuspecting quintet until they recover from.... Nicotine Withdrawel. What's that Spike? Romantic sub-plot? Interesting......
1. The Beginning

Hiha!

Okay, in this chappy, our favorite bounty hunters will do what no one thinks possible of them...

THEY QUIT SMOKING!!!!! At least, THEY TRY!!!!!! Um, review? Someone shoot me...please.

Disclaimer: I'm currently trying and trying to find out how to own Cowboy Bebop, but as of today, no luck. *sigh* It belongs to Sunrise Co.

  


*~*

  


"Spike?" No answer.

  


"Faye?" Nothing.

  


"Ed?" Zilch.

  


"What the hell? EIN!" Jet yelled, beginning to get exasperated. "I need a smoke." Jet dug around in his pockets. Then he screamed.

  


"What, what's going on?" Faye yelled, running out of the shower room with her bathrobe barely tied (as always) and her gun drawn.

  


"Jet, what's the matter?" Spike shouted, running from the hangar where he was having an interesting conversation with the _Swordfish II_ about how to successfully cut Faye's tongue out.

  


"There's no...there's no..." Jet was panting for breath as he tried to calm down,

  


"What!!!" Faye yelled, beginning to get impatient. (beginning, yeah right! ^-^ Faye's cool though!)

  


**"There's no smokes in the ship!!!"**

  


"WHAT?!?!?!?" Spike and Faye screamed as they frantically searched their many pockets for just one pack of the cancer-sticks.

  


"Ha ha, Ed will help Faye-Faye and Spike-person and Jet-person!"

  


"Ed, what did you do with our beautiful, sweet..." Jet drifted off thinking of the lovely odor of the cigarettes.

  


"Edward has decided that Beboppers have been smoking too many death sticks and Ed has decided that Ed will throw any of the smelly thingies into the toilet!" Ed began to calmly walk around the room on her hands and scratch her nose with her big toe as Spike, Jet, and Faye began screaming and falling on the floor.

  


"You little rat!" Faye yelled and lunged at Ed.

  


"Faye, no!"

  


"She's not worth it!"

  


After Spike and Jet succeeded in calming down, they began interrogating Ed, who was now tied to the toilet.

  


"Ed, did you get—"

  


"Edward has thrown down the draaaaain the packs under Jet-person's watering can!"

  


"Did you find—"

  


"Inside the shower drain yes! Ed doesn't really take such looooooong showers!"

  


"What about—"

  


"Yes Spike-Spike, Edward also found the packs in all of your shippies!"

  


"Ed," Jet was the calmest, but only because he was basically Ed's father. "What exactly do you want us to do?"

  


"Edward wants Spike-person and Jet-person and Faye-Faye to quit the smooooooking!"

  


"We gotta go to TJ, there's a whle buncha liquor stores there." Spike sounded very...irritable. The last thing he needed was—

  


"Spike, Ed has just blown the last woolong buying food!" Faye screamed in mental pain.

  


"Edward has also disabled the ship's manual and auto-pilot so Jet-person cannot drive awaaaaaaay to a store to buy cigarettes!"

  


A few minutes after Ed was locked in the bathroom ("Permanently!" Screamed Faye), Spike and Jet and Faye were beginning to go crazy.

  


"Great," Jet began. "This is just great. Ed has spent our last woolong. We're stuck drifting through space nowhere near some planet or at leasta decent asteroid where we can buy smokes. And the only food that Ed bought was..." A dramatic silence filled the air. "...fish heads!"

  


"Apparently, Ed likes that crap." Faye said and she turned to Spike. "You wanna take our withdrawel illness out on each other?"

  


"Always." Spike said and they began bickering.

  


"This is gonna be a long couple of weeks." Jet said as he sighed and rubbed his throbbing head. Ed rolled into the room and he didn't even care to ask how she got out of the bathroom.

  


"Yay, Ein! Soon Jet-person and Spike-person and Faye-Faye will be all better!" Ed squealed. Unfortunatly, she wasn't aware of the horrers of withdrawel illness. But she will be soon...

  


*~*

  


MUAHAHAHA! Weeeeeee! I said that only because my brother was tipping the computer chair waaaaaaaaaaaaaay back! WEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee! He did it again! Weeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Fun gahhhhh! He choked me with Faye-Faye's headband! Um, review. Please. OR Dienstag, I mean DIEEEEEEEEEEEE! Gahhhhhh! R&R OR DIENSTAG!

Chlorophyll,

Qui-ti


	2. Day One

Hiha!

I'm finally updating this, I thank all of you for the reviews! I didn't expect so much success! Anywho, here's chapter two!

***

Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tirusky IV, better known as Ed, woke up one dark, damp, and impossible infinite morning, erg, night, um, fourth dimension in space. She yawned and crawled over to her water dish she shared with Ein, petting the Welsh Corgie as she lapped up some of the good old H20. She sighed, noting the unusual silence when—

"**Edward**!!!"

"Yay! Jet-person is awake!" Ed cheerfully commented to Ein and the two made their way out of the hangar where they were floating around. She was happily singing a song about the joys of toothbrushes and fixing computers when she looked upon a scene that shocked her deeply.

Spike and Faye...well they were arguing as usual but with a **lot** more hatred, bickering, and...blood.

**"How was I supposed to know your suit was prone to fading???"**

**"Are you so stupid that you think lights and darks, a.k.a. your clothes and mine, _were supposed to be washed together???_"**

**"Jackass!"**

**"#####!"**

**"Bastard!"**

**"####!"**

**"Idiot!"**

**"Shut it you two!"** Jet shouted at the two adults fighting like two children. Ed was shocked to see Spike's suit faded to a light blueish-gray color with a yellowish tint. Faye's shiny and bold clothes were green-yellow, the color of urine. (heh heh!) Both looked so stupid and weird that Ed was a little shocked and scared but found the situation to be hilarious.

"Food's ready you guys!" She heard Jet bellow and leaped into the kitchen to help bring it out. Ed placed the platter on her head without looking at the contents and did her trademark walk into the living area and sat the tray down on the coffee table with a bow. Jet sat on the big chair they tied the bounties as Spike and Faye sat together but as far apart as possible on the couch. Ed began eating as fast and as messily as possible. The other cowpokes just stared at Jet, who was rubbing a throbbing vein in his temple, thinking of all the work to clean up Ed's mess.

Spike finally spoke. "What the hell is this?" He asked wearily.

"Bell peppers and tofu with fish heads on the side," Jet answered just as tiredly. A few more moments aof silence until Jet finally said, "Ed likes it."

"What the hell is wrong with you guys?!?!?" Faye screamed, jumping to her feet. "Why do I have to put up with this crap?" She jumped back onto the couch and began stuffing her face with Jet's new specialty as fast as she could.

"Okay," Spike said after a minute of watching Faye stuff herself.

"It tastes like feet!" The gambler said through tears.

"Well it's all you're gonna get!" Jet bellowed and he stormed out of the room. Spike picked up the bowl and sniffed it gingerly, shoving it away from himself as fast as he could after he caught the scent. Ed gleefully took his bowl and was about to slurp up some more of the 'food' when—

"What makesyou think you get thirds?!?!?" Fay yelled as she grabbed Jet's special away from the teenager. Ed began to type on Tomato sneakily, observing everything that was going on.

_Day one:_

_Jet made some delicious bell peppers and tofu with the yummy fish heads I ordered on the side! Faye-Faye seemed to love it, Spike-person didn't have much of an appetite,and Jet-person seemed a little angry. Are they mad at Edward?_

"We all hate you right now Ed!" Faye screamed, reading over her shoulder.

_Hmmm, apparently so. Well they're probably mad because of the lack of dopamine in their brains! The nice nun-lady at the orphanage told us all about when you smoke, it gives you a rush of dopamine and then your brain stops producing dopamine because you get it from the smoke-sticks and then when you stop, you get depressed or angry, usually at Edward, and it takes oh-so long to get working again!!! Edward can't wait for the Bebop's brains to work again!_

The rest of the day's events consisted of Fay stepping in Ein's water bowl, Jet walking in on her in the shower, Spike having target practice with Jet's bonsai planters, a knife fight with forks, and fish-head salad with rock-crutons. Edward went to sleep, snuggling up against Ein's furry boday for a pillow in the gravity-less hangar and thinking about pillows dancing, dancing, dancing away with the Beboppers into a field of non-toxic paint-producing plants.

***

Whoa! Alrighty then, please R&R, it really keeps me motivated! I'll thank all of you the next chapter, I've just got to go to sleep now! Nighty-night peoples!

Chlorophyll,

Qui-ti 


	3. Day Two

*yawn* Another chapter from me...review?

  


Disclaimer: If I owned Cowboy Bebop, I'd...play with YK and the Seatbelts EVERY FRICKEN DAY! Man they rock...I don't own Cowboy Bebop, by the way...

  


***

  


Faye woke up the second morning without her sweet death-sticks to a democratic liberal radio talk show. Normally, she just smacked the snooze button quickly to avoid the horrendus ideas of the democrats, but this morning—

  


"**Lousy piece of crap radio; the top ten stations in the solar system my ass! More like the fricken democratic radio from hell, this is worse than Doctor Laura—!"**

  


Faye realized what she'd said the second it came from her mouth. Right away, she stopped stomping on the radio _Doctor Laura? That's not on anymore...did I just remember something?_ Faye had that fish-outta-water look on her face and she seemed confused. Automatically, she groped around her pockets for a pack of—

  


"Damn you ED!!!!!!!!"

  


"Hi Faye-Faye!" Ed shouted as she cart-wheeled through the rotating hallway thingy-ma-bober that the lobster thingy from Session 11 traveled through (man I'm crazy...). "Edward got an e-mail for you for you for you!!!!!!"

  


"From who, Ed?" Faye replied tiredly. Three minutes into the day and she was already tired.

  


"Come come Faye Faye and and see see the the message message!" (this is a great way to get your word count up ^-^)

  


"Can't you ever say anything correctly? Have you ever heard of grammar, Ed?" Faye and Jet said at the exact same moment as the girls passed through the main yellow-couch-and-chair-to-tie-bounties-on-room. They shot each other evil glares and continued with their tasks.

  


"Here's the message-message Faye-Faye!" Ed sang and began to roll around the living room, powered by some force unknown to normal humans...the Force of Jedis.

  


Faye glanced over at the computer and noticed a certain lunkhead—

  


"SPIKE!" 

  


"What?" The lunkhead asked innocently, whistling the tune he whistled in the bathroom in Session 1: Asteroid Blues, the place he first saw Asimov. (creepy me again)

  


"GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER!" Faye pulled out her trusty-rust Austrian Glock but unfortunatly, she forgot Ed's little clean-up job around the ship. She pulled the trigger only to hear—

  


_Click._

  


"Damn it!" She threw the gun to the ground in disgust. "I'll kill you!" She lunged at Spike, who was currently accepting a plate of fish-head rice pudding from Jet...

  


Ed glanced away from braiding individual strands of Ein's hair ogether to see a minor brawl between the bounty hunters. She then calmly walked over to Tomato on her elbows and began typing another entry, but not before looking at the sender's address from Faye's e-mail.

  


_cheeseispowerful@randomsite.com_. 

  


"Oooh! Edward will read Faye-Faye's e-mail too!" She scrowled down to the text, and saw:

  


_To whom it may concern:_

  


_We should go camping with Faye. Faye should eat all of the eggs. Then I should **spank** her!_

  


_A crazy convict._

  


"Edward will not let Faye-Faye see this..." Ed decided wisely, and deleted the e-mail, but not quickly enough...

  


"**ED! NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER DELETEM FAYE-FAYE'S E-MAILS! FAYE FAYE _NEEDS_ THE MAIL! IT'S HER ONLY CONNECTION TO LIFE OUTSIDE OF THIS PRISON SHIP! NOOOO! I WISH I KNEW WHICH CONVICT SENT ME THAT! THEN I WOULDN'T BE SO ALONE! KISS ME SPIKE!"**

  


"Okay," the cowboy replied and they sat downon the couch and made out.

  


"Oh god, not in front of the child!" Jet wailed wildly as he grabbed the confused-looking Ed and rushed her out of the room. "This is a ship, not a love-boat!"

  


"Love-boat, love-boat love-boat love-boat love-boat love-ship!" Ed sang and Jet began to cry. "I need my cigs! I need my cheese! I need my bonsai!"

  


"Jet-Jet has his bonsai in Jet-Jet's room!" Ed said while wiping away her father-figure's tears with her toes.

  


"Oh right!" Jet shouted and dumped Ed in the hangar beofre rushing off.

  


"...Edward is confused..."

  


"Woof!"

  


*back in the main yellow-couch-and-chair-to-tie-bounties-on-room*

  


"Mhmmmm."

  


"Ooooh."

  


"**LUNKHEAD**!"

  


"**WENCH**!"

  


SMACK!

  


SPANK!

  


"Hey, you perv!" Faye yelled and Spike giggled.

  


"I'm at my extremely-horney-and-I-need-to-get-some stage of my withdrawel!" Spike sang as he rocked back and forth on his...shoes. "You wanna help me?"

  


"Sure, I'm just about there too; might as well take care of it while there's a chance!" The two proceded back to The kitchen, where there were loud crashiong and banging sounds for the next 12 hours.

  


*back in the main yellow-couch-and-chair-to-tie-bounties-on-room, but after Spike and Faye get it on*

  


"Edward sure is tired, Ein!" Ed said as she settled into a warm pile of Spike and Faye's stained clothing. "Let's turn on the radio!" She pushed a button and jumped to her feet immeiatly after hearing what the radio had to say to her.

  


**"GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUTTA BED!"**

  


***

  


Holy crap this was short! Damn this ###### but please review! *wipes away happy tear* You guys are so great! I've never had this many reviews for only 2 chapters! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and by the way: that 'GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUTTA BED!' thing happened to my buddy Ish-bob once...read her crap NOW!!!! R&R OR DIE!!!!

Chlorophyll,

Qui-ti


	4. Deja Vu

Okies, I apologize for no updates in over 3 months, but a lot of writer's block and finals in school. That, and I've fallen in love with someone who's not paint and plastic (a.k.a., not an anime character, but a real person.)

  


Disclaimer: I do not own Cowboy Bebop, but I really, really, REALLY want to own a certain green-haired bounty hunter (3 guesses who).

  


***

  


"What!?!?!?" Spike screamed as he woke up, to his surpries, not in the kitchen, but in his seldom shown bedroom. He realized the entire day before had been a dream, and he hadn't really....done that with Faye. He sighed and reached into the pocket of his suit to find a certain cardboard box, his first and only love.

  


"This is too good to be true," he muttered as he pulled out a paper roll. It felt the same, but he quickly realized that it was unrolling in his hand. He stared at the note, and almost cried.

  


  


"Damn it Ed!" He yelled loudly.

  


"We have got to find out how to break her," Faye said tiredly, leaning against the wall near the the door to Spike's room.

  


"Do you think there's actually a way?" Jet rumbled dejectedly, eating from a Styrofoam cup of noodles.

  


"We attack," Spike began, "her only weakness."

  


"Yes. We need to hide—"

  


***

  


"Einie-winie! Tomato!" Ed sang as she floated through the rotating gravity simulator looking for her friend. Coming around a bend, Jet and Faye appeared, smirking with their arms folded across their chests. "Hi-hi Faye-Faye and Jet-person! Edward's looking for—"

  


"Ein and Tomato?" Jet offered innocently.

  


"Yeppers!" Ed replied happily doing a backflip in midair.

  


"Why don't you go ask Spike if he knows where they are?" Faye said sweetly. "I think he's in the living room!"

  


"Okies, Faye-Faye! Thankies Jet-person!" Ed floated off in the direction of the living room singing a song about a crimson cherry and a gorgeous grape falling in love.

  


"We've got her now," Jet and Faye said simultaneously.

  


***

  


"Spiiiiiike-persoooon!" Ed howled when she rolled into the living room. "Spike-Spike! Edward is looking for Tomato and Ein!!!" After saying his name, Ed heard a whimper that sounded like the Bebop's faithful dog. The sound came from a room Ed hadn't been in before. "Ein? Spike-person? Tomato?"

  


Ed crawled into the dark room. The door shut with a click behind her.

  


"Woof!"

  


"Ein!" Ed shrieked happily. "I looked all over for you, why were you hiding in here?" All of a sudden, the lights blazed on, revealing....no one. 

  


"Who turned the lights on Ein?" Ed asked, before she was seized, dragged into a chair, and swiftly tied to it. She then noticed Ein was handcuffed to a pole stuck firmly in the ground.

  


"Well, Edward," Spike began. "As you can see, this 'clean-up job' has driven us over the edge!" ?He smiled derangedly. Ein barked.

  


"If Edward remembers correctly, this is only the Number 2 Day!" Ed said cheerfully, not at all worried with the situation at hand. Ein barked.

  


"We brought Tomato here for you so we could get our zip crafts back." Faye said sweetly. "If you don't agree to do so..." Jet picked up a hammer and held it threateningly over Tomato. Ein barked.

  


Ed didn't know what to do. Let Spike, Jet, and Faye smoke again, or have Tomato be killed. And if Tomato was killed, Edward would be useless to the Bebop and would be kicked out. And if Tomato broke, all the systems would be running again. Ed decided quickly.

  


"Alrighty-tighty-mighty, Edward will let Faye-Faye's Redtail free and she can go get the death-sticks!" Edward sang, pretending to feel no remorse.

  


"We knew you'd be helpful, Ed!" Jet smiled at her. "Now do your job!" Ed typed at the computer with her toes and a moment later, Faye ran out of the room skipping.

  


"Faye-faye, Edward programmed the Redtail to go to the nearest asteroid's store and back, no stops at casinoes or racetracks!" Ed sang and Faye grunted in anger.

  


"Just keep telling yourself that we're getting cigarettes, Faye," Spike said soothingly to Faye, who was climbing into her ship.

  


"We're all counting on you, sweetheart!" Jet said fatherly. "Remember: no Camels."

  


"FREEDOM!!!!" Faye yelled as the gate opened and she flew out the opening.

  


***

  


It had never felt so good to fly. Faye was grinning the entire trip, even as she paid the bill at the gate exit. She was whistling a cheerful tune as she piled the numerous cartons of cigarettes onto the checkout line.....thing, and handed the cheerful blonde cashier her Woolong card.

  


_Let's see, about 10 cartons of cigs, about 2000 Woolongs each should be—_

  


"Miss?" The preppy blonde said, distracting Faye from her complicated math. "There are no Woolongs on this card."

  


Faye's eye began to twitch, a red blush spread across her face, and before she knew it—

  


"DAMN IT EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

  


***

  


"Yes, Faye's back!" Jet said happily, as he cut the windtunnel tape that held Ed and Ein to the chairs. Spike ran off happily into the next room to greet Faye, his faorite person at that specific moment. "See? You two just need to learn that it never works when you try to mess with grown-ups, it never work—"

  


"DAMN YOU ED!!!!!!"

  


"Spiuke, what's the problem?" Jet asked urgently as he ran into the room with Faye behind him, sobbing. Spike took a deep, and very angry breath as he looked into Jet's eyes. Without saying a word, Jet realized what had happened. He turned to Ed...but she was gone.

  


"Wha—what should w—we do?" Faye gasped as she calmed down from her stress-induced heart murmer.

  


"We can't let her beat us like this again," Spike answered evenly. "She's only one girl, we're three adults. This has gone too far."

  


***

  


"I think we shouls sleep here tonight Ein!" Ed said cheerfully as she snuggled under a blanket inside the cramped air duct, unaware of the devious plot of the three crewmates, slowly driven mad with desire. Yes, a desire for the cancerous smoke of the cigarette.

  


***

  


Damn good last line!!!! Woo-hoo, sorry for the three month wait. I'll try more, I just was really busy! I wanna thank:

  


Kendra Luehr- Thx for the reviews, I'm glad you laughed you ass off!!!

  


Anaesthesia- I really liked how you talked about the story and its strong points. Finally a review with substance!!!!

  


GiGi- Indeed!!!!

  


MercuryWater- Very Flattering!!

  


AnimeGurl- Thanks, that's really nice, I hope you like this chappy!

  


BirdieRumia- Well said, thanks!

  


Aolani- Thanks, I hope you read this!

  


Chaos Queen- Hi! I'll call you tomorrow and thanks for the review!!!

  


Blindy- This is one of the nicest reviews ever. Hope this chapter is as good as the others!

  


MichiSpiritChan- Lol, I hate online withdrawel. And no, that isn't a real stage, made up for humor!!!

  


TORI- Cool cool!!! Thanks, that was really nice!

  


Ichigo-nuclear- Indeed, procrastination is a way of life. Thanks for coming over last night!!

  


Feng Shui Goddess- Thanks for the review, I'll try to update more!

  


Sakura Rain- Damn, you laugh a lot...thanks!

  


KodachiSoul- Wow, that was really nice!!!!!! I'll update again soon.

  


I can't tell you how great these reviews are and how much you guys kick-ass!

Chlorophyll,

Qui-ti


	5. Day Three

Hi! I can't believe you guys love me so much!!!!!!! THANK YOU FOR ALL THE REVIEWS!!!! 

  


Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop....but I _do_ own a drumset....MUAHAHA! Owww, my fingers hurt, I just played the guitar.

  


Oooh, btw: If anything seems kind of annoying or repetitive, it's supposed to be like that.

  


A new love for me, btbtw: Daron Malakian from System of a Down....

  


***

  


"What we know," Jet began in the dark hours after the failed attempt to get their death-sticks. "is that Ed has destroyed our cigarettes, spent our last Woolong, incapacitated our ship, disabled our zip crafts, and we just learned that she has hidden and/or terminated our weapons. Without our technology, we have nothing."

  


"Except for a lousy pair of handcuffs," Spike said, interrupting the dramatic close of Jet's monolouge.

  


"Well, we actually have five," Faye said with a smirk. Jet and Spike looked at her with gratitude laced with surprise and horror. "What!?" Faye said loudly. "I got them from a magician at a casino!"

  


"Whatever you say, Faye," Spike said, grinning. Jet just stared at her with a mixed expression of disgust, fright, and the kind of look your parents give you when you say you're getting your eyebrow pierced.

  


"What are Edward's friends doing?" Ed thought to herself as she crawled through the air duct system, the people in the room below her completely unaware of her presence.

  


"Now we're going to have to cool off for a few days so Ed won't know what's going on," Jet said, picking up from where he was interrupted. "We need to have you two—" He gestured to Spike and Faye. "—bicker, fight, argue, whatever you need to do to convince Edward that we're not going to ambush her."

  


After hearing this, Edward realized what they were doing. They were planning another attack for their Death Sticks! Knowing that she wouldn't need anymore information at this moment, Ed slithered out of the vent and landed right in front of Tomato.

  


_Day Three_

_Edward has discovered the Beboppers have begun to form a plan to overthrow Ed's plan to get them to quit smoking the bad stuff. What Edward knows is that they have five pairs of handcuffs and Spike and Faye are going to act normal to try to convince Edward that nothing is wrong. Edward has the advantage however, because Ed has their "technology" and pioccos._

  


It had an uncanny resemblance to Jet's speech.

  


"Jet, we only have one problem," Faye said after Jet explained their plan (which we will find out in a tad).

  


"What Faye? Is that too much for your shirt to handle? Will your nungas pop out like we've all been dreading?" Spike said in a condescending tone of voice.

  


"Nungas?" Jet pondered.

  


"Shut the hell up, lunkhead!" Faye yelled, and before she could express her concerns, there was a huge BOOM coming from somewhere in their ship.

  


"What the hell was that?" Jet shouted as everyone in he room fell down, a bigger explosion rocking their ship, the lights going off.

  


A red glow barely lit up the room moments later, revealing to Spike a huge breakthrough in his life as he realized he would never think of Faye the same again.

  


"Stop staring you lunkhead!" Faye yelled as she adjusted, er, pulled down her shirt, with a really red face, and not just because of the emergency lighting. Jet ran out of the room unaware of what had happened, off to find out what had just occurred.

  


Spike just sat on the floor and stared at Faye's chest. She blushed again and sat on the bed. "We'd better lock the door," she muttered. "We don't know what happened and for all we know, some pirates could be boarding the ship right now with us completely defenseless."

  


"Uh, yeah," Spike said as he got up and tried to work the doorknob without his eyes leaving Faye's shirt.....thing. (Which, btw, happened to change back to its normal color, along with Spike's suit.) He sat down on a chair, his arms leaning against the back casually as he charmingly remarked, "How much a year do you save on bras?"

  


Remember, girls: If your boobs pop out in class, PE, the store, work, or around and smooth jazzy comrade who happens to be very sexy and attractive to you, you're either going to be embarrassed (school and work), hoping no one noticed (the store), or extremely pissed (need I say the occasions.)

  


Apparently, Faye doesn't fall under the normal reaction category. She jumped off the bed, walking over to Spike and bent over, looking him in the eyes. They just stared at each other, the time seeming like eternity when the realized they were within milliseconds of brushing lips...

  


"Where're Spike and Faye?" Jet asked to no one in particular as he mopped up the charred cottage cheese mess Ed had left on the floor, the apparent cause of the earlier explosions. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him, one so terrible that he was almost afraid to go prevent it from coming to life.

  


{KoRn's _Got the Life _plays.}

  


Jet dropped the mop in a bucket of dirty water as he dashed along the corridors as fast as he could, jumping over chairs, computers, sleeping children, dogs, and numerous other objects as he finally slowed and walked cautiously up to a closed door, a sliver of light appearing under its frame. He cautiously put his ear up to it, and hearing no sound, pushed it open and jumped inside.

  


He breathed a sigh of relief, his bonsai safe from harm.

  


Edward got up and made her way into the air ducts once more, remembering that she had left one of her pioccos by the room where the "Beboppers" were conspiring against her. She lazily crawled and somehow managed to tumble in the compact space, coming up to her destination. She retrieved the food...thing and was just about to tumble off when she saw something through the vent.

  


Spike-person and Faye-Faye were kissing! For a moment, Ed was shocked. But then she remembered the plan Jet was talking about and decided that they must've planned this diversion. Spike and Fay wouldn't _really _kiss each other.....right?

  


***

  


GO TO MY NEW WEB SITE! 

  


Yeah, anywho, I had this big-ass math project so I hope you guys aren't too angry at me for not updating. I'll seriously try to get the updates up sooner, I've just been really busy this year.

  


I LOVE YOU ALL! THANKS FOR REVIEWING!

  


Chlorophyll,

Qui-ti


	6. Day Four

A/N: HI EVERYBODY! I UPDATED! I'm so sorry you guys, please read! I love you all, and this is kind of a short chapter, but it's getting me back on my groove.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bebop. Wait, I don't own anything, do I? Except the Bebop CDs. But yeah. It's not mine. STOP BEING SO INQUISITIVE, DAMNIT!

***

_"Bang..."_

"What?!" Faye sat up in bed, clutching the sheet to her bare chest and breathing heavily.

"What's wrong?"

"WHAT?!?!" Faye screamed, her head whirling to the left and calming down when realizing it was only Spike in her room. Wait. Only Spike?

"Since when did I get relieved seeing you in my bedroom in the middle of the night?" Wait. That came out wrong. She silently hoped that Spike hadn't caught it—

"Oooh, is a lonely girl in need of some comfort? Did she have a bad dream?"

"What the hell are you doing in my room, Spike!?" Faye yelled angrily, pointing a finger in his direction, then hurriedly grabbing the slipping sheets.

"I can't be in the room for two seconds without you grabbing yourself," Spike said with false disgust. "You poor lonely girl."

"Do I look that lonely now, Spiegal?" She asked calmly, holding out her gun and squinting her eyes at the target. "You've got ten seconds to tell me why you're in here."

"Faye—"

"Nine."

"I'm just—"

"Eight."

"Will you please—"

"Four."

"What? That wasn't four seconds!"

"It is now. Three."

"Faye!"

"Two."

"Jet said for me to get you to, um, go over the 'surprise party' for Ed." Faye put the gun away, smiling, but threatening to shoot Spike if he came into her room without permission again. He walked out of the room and Faye got dressed, following him a few minutes later.

"So Edward is getting a party for helping the Beboppers quit smoking the death sticks?" Ed mused to herself, rolling over in the air duct to face Ein. "What do you think puppy?" He gave a suspicious bar in response. "Are Spike and Jet And Faye-Faye plotting to overthrow the rule of Ed?" A hurt expression crossed over her face. "This cannot be, Einy-weiny! They know Ed is only trying to help them!" She crawled throught the air duct degectedly, making her way to the place above Jet's room to eavesdrop on the conspiring bounty hunters.

"So we tell her that we're giving her something good, and then she'll go into the room and—"

"We've tried that before, remember?" Spike said, interrupting Faye. She narrowed her eyes at him as he kept talking. "What we need to do is..."

"What, you lunkhead?!" Faye yelled. "If you're so fucking smart, say something—"

"Quiet, both of you!" Jet whispered solemnly. "She must never learn of this. I have formulated a plan that I believe that is great. Great. Just like Thai food." The younger adults stared at the dreamy expression Jet's face before her shook his head and continued. "Faye, you must... give Ed 'the talk.'" Faye paled at the term and narrowed her eyes again, this time at Jet.

"Are you fucking crazy!?" She yelled, again the loudest (but coolest) in the room. "I had to give that talk to my cousin—and holy shit I just remembered something!"

"What?" Spike said, uninterested. Faye was quiet now, breathing heavily and looking at the floor.

"Yeah, I'll do it," she said. "Anything for my precious cigarettes..."

"Great!" Jet said, and Faye's surprising outburst was forgotten by the two men in the room. "Spike, it's your job to gather all the tofu and dye it red."

"What?!" Spike protested, but Jet silenced him with a wave of his hand.

"Last but not least, my job is..." He trailed off, as if difficult for him to continue.

"What?" Faye whispered, temporarily docile from all the energy wasted on thinking up curses and making out with Spike.

"I have to cut my bonsai trees," Jet managed to say. You could just imagine a tear sliding down his cheek while he said this, but unfortunately, the only tears sliding down cheeks right now are from my eyes and on my cheeks as a result of the moving combination of Ave Maria's closing measures and not enough food in the house.

*coughs* Back to the story.

"Why must you do such a terrible thing?" Faye asked, thinking to herself that Jet was a horrible little baby for almost crying over some lousy trees that happened to hold the meaning of life.

"It's because... we must fake Ein's death."

Unfortunately for our heroine, Edward had fallen asleep and was unable to hear the fateful last words of the seemingly flawless plan that makes very little sense at the moment.

***

"How are we supposed to do this?" Spike asked.

Jet took a deep breath, going into his "let's state the obvious and like it!" mode. "While Faye distracts her with the horribly embarassing and time consuming talk, Spike will make the tofu look like guts, and I will make a plushie out of bonsai twigs and some old clothing of mine to look like Ein, which we will drench in the strange tofu mixture."

For those of you who totally got what Jet just said, you can wonder to yourselves why every freehand picture I draw of Faye makes her end up looking like the transvestite with the two-day-old beard I saw in downtown San Diego. For those of you who are confused, they're basically gonna make a fake Ein to distract Ed.

"Why would she fall for this?" Faye questioned.

"You're gonna give Ed a few drinks for her womanly initiation!" Jet giggled like a girl, probably reminisching what his womanly initiation was like.

"I'm gonna drug up a little girl?" Faye said, skeptical of the legality of the plan.

"Yep!" Spike said happily. "I wish I could drug Ed up. She'd probably be hilarious!"

Pathetically, this all seemed perfectly normal to the three, and they scurried off to prepare the master plan. Ed woke up a few moments later, rubbing her eyes and completely unaware of the seconds plan cooked up by the nicotine-starved bounty hunters on their third day without the death sticks.

***

A/N: Sorry it was short. I'm trying to get back on my groove, as I so lovingly put it. I haven't really been in a really "WHEEE!" mood lately, so sorry if this wasn't as good as the other chappies. Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I love you guys! Oh, and they were getting REALLY OOC at the end, but oh well. They're nicotine starved! How can they _not_ be insane?

*huggles and apologies*

Qui


	7. One Week Later

Hey guys. Sorry I've been gone so long.... there are NO regular updates with this story, but I really don't like cranking out chapters full of crap every week, you know? Sometimes I get inspired by the gods and goddesses of stupidity/anime, and _this_ happens. So yeah. Sorry for the infrequent updates, but I won't settle for anything but what I think is good writing with this.

Disclaimer: I dun own Cowboy Bebop! -.-' leave me alone.....

**........................................**

"Edward! Oh _Edward_!"

"Yes Faye-faye!"

Faye flinched at the use of the horrid nickname, but quickly reminded herself of the mission she was on. The ever important mission to raise the risk of developing lung cancer, heart disease, or other serious illnesses. Yes. The mission for _cigarettes_.

"Uh, Edward. We need to talk... please come into my room." Ed followed Faye happily leaving Ein with a quick glomp and cartwheeling through the doorway. The innocent girl suspected nothing of the sinister plan about to take place.

"Is the gone yet?" Spike whispered to Jet, disturbingly aware of the fact that his friend was placed on a very inconvenient spot on his body, causing their hiding—well, spying, really—place in the air ducts to be even more uncomfortable than it already was.

"Yeah, I think so," Jet said gruffly, and a very relieved Spike threw himself against the grate until it opened. As Jet followed Spike out of the small space, he stared forlornly at the bent and battered metal plate.

"That was a Hanukkah gift from my mother, you bastard!"

"Jet! We're on a mission, remember?"

"Right," Jet answered, and the men's eyes traveled over to completely innocent Welsh corgi laying happily on the floor. The glanced back at each other once, and immediately lunged toward the poor dog.

There was no way for Ein to escape, and he stared in horror at the two men as the came at him from both sides and.... crashed into each other instead. They collided mid-air and fell to the ground, landing on top of each other in a rather compromising situation and not moving, both of them being knocked unconscious. Ein sniffed at Spike's head and Jet's ear before striding away to eat some tofu.

**........................................**

"What's wrong, Faye-faye?" Ed asked in a genuinely concerned voice, looking at the woman, who was currently hunched over in a corner with her face in her hands whispering incomprehensible words to herself. "Are... you okay?"

"Uh, I'm fine, Edward!" Faye-faye—erg, Faye—said, smiling brightly and getting up, sitting on the bed next to Ed. "Uh.... how old are you now?"

"Edward is 13!" Ed answered.

"Oh," Faye said, her face turning red. "Well, when a girl gets to a certain age....." Faye looked back at Ed, who was staring straight at her; those amber eyes were slightly disturbing to her nicotine starved mind, and she realized that this girl was evil. This girl MUST be given the woman talk, she MUST be given alcohol, and she MUST be stopped.

Faye mustered her strength and looked at those eyes again. They no longer scared her; they were eyes of a little girl she could conquer. She took a deep breath and started to talk.

**........................................**

Ein stared at the unmoving men. The were still.... unmoving.

**........................................**

Ed stared at Faye with wide, unblinking eyes. "THEY DO THAT?!?!?!"

"Yes," Faye said unflinchingly, a smirk plastered on her face. "And then after that..."

**........................................**

Jet and Spike were still lying on top of each other. Spike was snuggled against Jet's leg, using his posterior as a pillow. Jet, on the other hand, enjoyed the comforting feeling of a thick quilt resting on his back.

**........................................**

Faye finished her speech with another smirk, Ed slightly pale beneath her tan and her eyes glazed over. "Uh, Faye?"

Faye stared in shock as she realized that Ed hadn't used the dreaded repetition of the first syllable, separated by a hyphen—ugh, I mean, her nickname. "Yes, Ed?"

"That was scary."

"Well, Ed, now that you know about these things, I think it's time to make you officially a woman." Faye snickered sinisterly as she pulled a bottle from beneath her pillow and cradling it in her arms in an almost motherly way. "This is an age-old tradition, Ed. The new woman must..." Faye paused dramatically, and Ed leaned forward to hear her more clearly. "The new woman must drink at least 5 shots of Aftershock. This.... is your mission, Ed. Drink it." Ed stared at the bottle held before her, wondering what the big deal was. It was just red liquid inside a bottle. There were odd crystals in the bottle, and when she opened it and sniffed gingerly, it smelled like cinnamon.

Shrugging, Ed smiled at Faye and began to drink.

Chug.

After chug.

After chug.

Faye stared in amazement as Ed finished the bottle, placing it down on the bed before her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she fell back. "Wow," Faye said, staring at the bottle and wishing she hadn't drank all of it. "Well, beggars can't be choosers!" She said cheerfully, not knowing exactly what that meant, but grabbing Ed and holding the girl by her shoulders. Ed stumbled forward as Faye urged her to the door into where Spike and Jet had set the next stage of their plan to take place.

"Well, Ed, let's go take a look at what Spike and Jet are doing!" Faye cheerfully sang, barely able to keep herself from skipping. In less than an hour, she would be inhaling the toxic smoke and nicotine of her beloved cancer sticks.

She threw open the door and sprang into the room, shocked at the sight that befell her and the now slightly more awake Ed.

"What are Spike-spike and Jet-jet doing Faye-faye?"

Faye stared at the two men, shock emanating from her eyes as Spike looked up and met her gaze, saying in a tired voice, "Faye?"

Right then and there, the realization that their plan had failed them hit her, and Faye fell to her knees, wanting nothing more than a nice, wonderful, life-giving cancer stick.

**........................................**

One of the shorter chapters, gomen, but I like how it's heading. I also have a good idea for next chapter, so I may (remember, _may_) update a little faster. XD glomps reviewers Thanks guys!!!!

Luvluvluv,

Qui


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